Monthly Archives: March 2012

Aap Dude hain? (Are You a Dude?)

If you’re thinking why i translated it in English, it’s because of some firangi readers on my blog. There’s a page on Facebook called “Aap dude hain” that page has got more than ten thousand likes on facebook, which means it is very popular between the youth of India. But, the most important thing is that the title of the page asks you a question, a question which you can ask yourself….. Kya Aap Dude Hain? Now, obviously you will consider yourself a dude and a fun loving guy whom the girls like and you actually think of yourself as a hunk. NO, You’re not!

NEWSFLASH: You’re not cool, you’re not DUDE, You’re not a hunk because you’re just ego maniacally self centered son of a bitch who tries to act like a cool dude around the girls and think of yourself as a mature guy who is very loyal to your friends. You’re a WANNABE. you’re not your true self. Admit it or not, you’re not yourself. you’re two-faced person, and i repel two-faced person, i hate them and i disgust them.

So, now all the talk aside, let’s get you cranked up and let me show you how to be a dude. The nice things about this Guide is that you have to potray your true self and just change yourself, just dwell into a new character and just blend in to the new form.

HOW TO BE A DUDE ON Facebook?

Dude?

1. Well… you see, a dude is basically a boy who is handsome , dynamic, talented, athletic, tall, and funny. So, First thing to keep in mind, are you a football fan?

If yes, green flag.. if not, become one… football is a necessary part of the whole DUDE concept.. you need not learn the terminologies, just learn a few club names and a few famous players… also if your friends love soccer (yes I am still talking about the same thing) then NEVER , EVER, say that you like Chelsea coz this is like a red card for you in the field of dudes (yes, red card means ban)

Important lesson learned from point 1 : Learn new and cool things everyday. & Start hating Chelsea Football Club. So make events, like pages and post statuses like “I am a Messi Lover” (Trust me, as gay as it sounds, ppl will start noticing the new you.)

2. Next thing, and probably much more important than football, is MUSIC. If u started singing Rebeca “BITCH” Black’s FRIDAY or Justin “GAY LESBO FARTNUGGET” Beiber’s BABY just after hearing the word music then get the f*ck out, you aren’t entitled for the rest of the guide. And if you didn’t,  then good, now keep this in mind, you can’t even think of loving people like Justin Beiber and Rebecca black, they’re like… umm… , well what can be worse!!!

3. What should you like? That’s easy like pissing in the wind,  you have to say I like rock even if you don’t… in case you don’t,  just learn these names, AC-DC, METALLICA, NIRVANA, LED ZEPPLIN, GUNS n ROSES and also a few like GREENDAY, THE SOLIDS and AEROSMITH. When your friends are talking about them , just say I love the song stairway to heaven and you’re good to go dude (yes, I just called u that)

So share the best rock videos and links time to time.

4. Dont try the dangerous stunts because it will not impress the girls it will make you look like a little bitch when fall down doing a stunt.  the vehicle you drive… If u have a 200 cc bike and u know how to handle it…GO GO GO! we all know bikes are hot. But you know what’s hotter, a guy who knows how to drive one. Oh yes, to become a dude you don’t actually need a bike… u just need to know a few terms like WHEELY, stoppy  etc… if u don’t know them, Learn it, watch the shitty videos on tube. now that petrol is expensive, feel safe on your pleasure (why should we let girls have the fun) and keep in mind, that whenever a conversation about bikes starts in your so-called dude friends , you should be ready to spit out the sentences containing all those terms.

After all who wants to see you driving a bike on facebook… a profile pic of you sitting on a karizma is more than enough.

As for another related thing, have some knowledge on cars… aston martin, Ferrari, Chevrolet, blah blah… if u don’t have this, Google will help you, after all Google is also a dude, Cars are hot… every dude in the world is born with car loving gland right next to the heart…

Share a Bugatti Veyron pic on your wall right now!!!

5. What now, probably the most amazing part till now, girls… there are 2 kinds of girls, one who are sensible and other who actually exist. So as we have to concentrate on those who exist, we’re not gonna talk sense with them… talk rubbish and try to sound as emotional as u can… at the same time , never forget you’re a cool dude who loves speed and sports , so repeat these chants as soon as you’re done talking to them.. “eminem is the king of rap , beiber is the queen of crap” or “Barcelona FCB is a hit and rest all is shit” (you can replace Barca with any club of your choice except for Chelsea)

Well after reading all this I know you have a pretty good knowledge on how to become a dude on Facebook.

When you’re doing this stuff on Facebook , no one cares if you’re 15, if you’re a looser in reality and if you’re actually an all different gender!!!

I am gonna end this with one thing, you are what you are, try to improve and not to imitate, or you might just become what we evolved from!!

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meri life

Stupid standing breathing life

Stooping stopping saving life

Ruki saansein but chalti life

Dil toota, par phir bhi life

Peechhe mudke jee li life

Aage bhaage girti life

Lakeeron mein likhi life

Oongliyon se phisalti life

Bina scene kiye yeh life

Tamasha har pal kari life

Kabhi centrestage pe darrti life

Audience mein seetiyaan maarti life

Kicking biting kissing life

Hugs se love-hate karti life

Mitti se dhuli hui life

Mitne pe mitne-wali life

Soche-samjhe subah shuru woh

Shaam ko crying-weeping life

Gusse se phatti-tooti life

Kheench-taan par chhoti life

Aur ek minute ke liye

Soti hui dreamy life

Jhoothe high ki wannabe life’

Chhupke smiling, blushing life

Ek baar ussne dekh kya liya

Day-dreaming pe chal di life

Heartbreaking si sasti life

Roz Goa ghoomti life

Anti-alcohol mentality life

Tharki friends ke tharki jokes ko

Tweets mein copy karti life

Rona-dhona bhari life

DP change karti life

21-jaise sochti life

14-jaise giggling life

Earphones dil se connected life

Mumbai ke traffic jam mein

Romantic imagination ki life

Pillow-talk mein beeti life

Football se haari-piti life

Superstar ke geek secretary pe

Jaan-lutaati secret life

Dost-dosti-waali life

Lyrics pe chalne waali life

Har scene ka brain-lab mein

Photo frame karti life

Dhunn mein besuri-si life

Komolika-type vamp si life

Lift-music ko gungunaati

Mysteriously smiling life

Madness, maybe, music ke naam pe

Kal aaj hi mein jeeti life.

-KARISHMA JANI

Love is Blind, Marriage is an Eye-Opener

SARCASM: Nobody ever does it better than me!

Dr. Anmol Jani PHD. In Sarcanomics

The best Revenge plan for your Ex-GF is to get married. Conditions May Apply.

The Evolution

Hello, my dear lovebirds, if you are reading this post while holding hands with your wife or soon-to-be wife.Then, let me warn you after reading this post your life is gonna turn upside down. if you still want to read then, Suit yourself.

Nicely dedicated to all the lovebirds who are patient of the LOVEY DOVEY EFFECT i know the day you turn 25 your parents start searching for your life partner and in some case men introduce their girlfriends to their parents and some tell their parents that they are gay and it turns out to be your mum dads worst nightmare. We all know how the parents pressure you saying, “I dont have so much time left, i want to see my grand kids before i go”. So you get married before you even get a single white hair or before you go bald. And once you go into the marriage season you will never come out of it.

Marriage is like being BLACK, because once you `go black you never go back.

And then once you get married, the real fun ride starts and everything you do after marriage ends up on a video site or on Facebook. let’s get started:

1. PHOTOS: I totally get it, you are getting married, you need to live and cherish this moment forever you wanna take photos and videos as memories. so you click all the pictures of the Engagement, Mehendi, the Pre-Wedding and all the dances then the wedding, the dinner, the post wedding party and last but not the least the reception.you take all the pics and share it with your friends on facebook. make an album and name it “Bandhan Saat janmo ka!” the thing is i am frustrated and irritated with all the nonsensical drama bullshit. that’s why i dont attend weddings anymore. So, unless your cousin is sexy and hot as hell, please dont upload the pics.

2. The I-get-your-last-name theory: Now, this is some interesting stuff. let me explain, you get married. OK, then why the girl changes her own name. let’s take a famous example, Aishwarya Rai  gets married to Abhishek Bachchan and then she changes her own name from Ashwarya Rai to Ashwarya Rai Bachchan. WHY? that’s not all, married couple sometimes does the mistake to operate from one facebook account. How in the hell can you have a common social networking account? it’s a social networking site man, c’mon! it’s made for an individual. And what happens if that couple decide to  get a divorce, who keeps the facebook account? Huh? and then what happens the court agrees to the divorce. the lawyers fight over who should get that Facebook account. that will be an amazing courtroom scene. i wouldn’t miss to see that.

3. Our kids are actually cute: This is not your fault actually. This is hardwired I guess. A new born baby has got to be beautiful, cute, sweet and all that, Right? Look at him, isn’t he cute?, isn’t he?- Absolutely (To fellow Pissed off people: The best way to diplomatically handle this situation is to say, “He/She looks just like you, No seriously, just like you”, now whatever that means). Is this not enough that we say all these nice stuff when he/she is born that you go ahead and make your kid participate in who’s the cutest contest?, WTF? I bet in future your kid will make you participate in who is more retarded, my mom or my dad contest?

4. Who’s the best: Who the hell are you, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? Why do you keep participating in all these contests? If you think you are the perfect couple, good for you. Why do you need that constant affirmation from your friends on that? Bring this to an end alright. I ask this nicely because couples like to hear and believe that they look perfect together, may be you do or may be you are just stupid. Who am I to say? I’ll pray to whomsoever required, will bribe if need be, to make you guys win if that ensures a once and for all end to this.

5. How about a PDA: I swear on my newly brought computer hard disk that if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s PDA! More so, if you are already married. I get it when I see a 3rd year engineering guy cozing up with a 2nd year DU chick at central park. I do. These guys are short of space. But you? You guys are married for hell’s sake. Show some decency. That’s all I ask.

Till then have a happy married life.

To,

Future Mrs. Jani,

Please don’t be mad at me after reading this post. I promise, I’ll let you upload all these stupid pics and stuff wherever and whenever you like. If you dont want to change your last name then, what will not happen, no questions asked. We’ll name our babies (I say babies, my only wish) as derivatives of your name, so they’ll automatically be cute and all that. We’ll participate in all these contests too and will send requests to the complete friends list to like our entry. And last, we’ll make love in that central park if that’s what you want. I love you Mrs. Jani, in advance.

Politics Uncensored!

Sarcasm: Nobody does it better than me.

Note: this post is uncensored, if you are under 13 then please dont read it. its for your own good. Others take notes because Dr. Anmol Jani PHD. in Sarcanomics is here.

DEMOCRACY EXPLAINED

Discussing about politics makes me angry. after 2 hours of long politics talk with my so called “Want-to-make-a-change-in-the-world” friends (I’m talking about you BHAVIN) it actually makes my blood boils and makes my veins show from my hand and all the other parts. that means i am fucking angry. at that time i feel the need to attend anger management classes. But, i never thought i would write about politics on my blog, i thought if i wrote something about it, then maybe i would be arrested for kicking kapil sibal’s ass through my words. And that would bring some negativity on my blog and people will stop reading my blog. and trust me my blog is like, “So far, So good”. but, now “FUCK POLITICS”. and Fuck the people who play the dirty games of politics. after reading this post people will think, ” this is just another asshole who thinks that politics is bad and he is angry about it cause sometime in his life someone played a dirty political game on him and now he’s just oozing out his frustration and anger through his blog.” well, yes and no. SO, WHAT? every-fucking one does it every-fucking now and then.

But, the problem is i dont let the anger out. i just keep it with myself. all the guilt and anger and pain and frustration i just keep it with myself. i pamper it, i obsess it and i let  it grow like cactus growing in a garden of red roses. I let the anger and frustration give birth to anew sense of duty towards India. it’s that anger and disgust that makes me refuse to give/take bribery. it’s that pain and frustration that i dont take part in any kind of corruption and dirty politics game. i am from that category of people who just sit and watch. and, then sip some tea and go home and sleep happy.

That’s why i thought of seething all this things out. every negativity from myself. I’m not doing it as a favor to anyone or i just want to feel good and and empty all the negativity from my mind and soul. i am doing this because i am in the mood to OFFEND. I clearly dont give a fuck if they censor my blog or force me to delete this post. Somehow, someway i will fuck them out of this society through this post. I hope this post reaches to all the political personalities of India and i want them to feel guilty i want them to feel offended, oh so much fucking offended!

Dear Political Fucknuts of INDIA,

The only reason you’re in power and ruling the country/state/city/village is because the opposition dont even have the agenda of their own. it is so fucking clear as a crystal that the people who used to 26/11 attacks to circulate the anti-congress are not even worth my contempt. OH! you’re liking it aren’t you sibal? i want you to read it you dumb bitch. I hope i am not offending any religious/national/ridiculous/unreasonable sentiments now?  NO! i haven’t offended anyone yet because i didn’t use the name of a dumb and ugly bald son of a bitch named GANDHI, right? i will say this, you and the other dumb fucknuts in your team are actually dumb bitches because you’re all narrow-minded, ridiculous and downright idiotic. Do you, Soniaji’s puppets realize you’re good for fucking nothing?

A woman can’t get out of her house alone post 7PM in Delhi without pepper spray and the fear of getting raped; Cabinet reshuffles and interest rate hikes have become seasonal activities; Farmers’ suicides and unresolved crime scenes have become  the thing for non-fiction narratives; Eunuchs’ only sources of income remain prostitution and blackmailing and the lesser said about terrorism, the better. What the hell do you expect an average citizen to do? Hang your Soniaji’s picture in his living room and worship it? A few days after India has recorded a shameful GDP growth of 6.9%, what’s really being discussed is censoring social media! Oh sorry, not censorship just a ‘check on the content’. Check on the content, my ass. What we really need is bloody mental health check up because seriously, such volumes of bullshit cannot be produced without the presence some serious illness/ psychological disorder.

I’m quite a consumer of social media in my everday life and I haven’t seen so much ‘offensive’ content be churned out as has been done since you decided to ‘not to go the press about “checking content” so as to not hurt any sentiment’. As a matter of fact, I refrain from using abusive language on my blog, but you know when i really learnt how to abuse? It all started with me following the Indian Political Scenario. Infact I surprise myself every day when I read about your latest decision (or lack there of) and utter an abuse I did not even realize I knew of.

Oh but it’s pretty easy for you guys, isn’t it. Get one minister to take his shot at talking crap and then withdraw from the statement and don’t back it up as the govt/Congress. Manmohan Singh will hold a press conference where he will ‘condemn’ what happened or tell us that ‘the decision is on hold until the parliament reaches a consensus’. And then get (not so) blue-eyed Rahul Gandhi to go on tours across the country, joining his hands promising the people that he ‘will take the issue up’.

So, fuck you and fuck your bloody fucking politics game. i take it upon myself  to offend you.

Do something good for the country which raised you and the nation which fed you. can you stop thinking about yourself and your bank account and start thinking about the people of India.But you wouldn’t do that because you’re all too busy licking some Italian bitch’s ass. THIS JUST GOT BLOODY SERIOUS IN NO TIME.

THIS IS NOT ANNA HAZARE OR ARVIND KEJRIWAL OR CHETAN FUCKING BHAGAT TALKING. THIS IS ANMOL JANI TALKING, THIS IS INDIA TALKING.

SOURCE: Living in the shadows.

Phir Dil Do?

Sachin Tendulkar & Mahendra Singh Doni:

Many consider them as heroes, some may consider them as god. At the end of the day, they make the people of India happy and they go home or the hotel to sleep on a very cozy bed with a big fat CHECK. The people of India Adore them, they even buy their kids insurance or Bike because of them. The people reward them with superordinate recognitions in Indian Army or Indian Navy, which otherwise are given to defense or navy men who overcome years of struggle and possess an outstanding experience in their respective fields.

I Burst your BUBBLE. They are People, not celebs or actor or item girls they are just people. they have two hands and legs and they know how to use them for their own good. Just like us. They are our Indian cricketers who are not matching up to the expectations of many cricket lovers these days, thus inviting ridicule from every corner. Nevertheless, there is every possibility that one win in any of the upcoming matches might bring back all that adulation. We Indians I tell you!

I open the newspaper and there’s no talk about a new Movie that Katrina is signing. i read the” Saif Ali Khan beats up a Biz Man” story. it was quiet hilarious. 🙂 then i flip some pages skip the health column( None of my concern) and i reach to the Sports column and the headlines say. ” PHIR DIL DO HOCKEY KO”. Then i read that Indian hockey team played brilliantly in the Olympic Qualification tournament. Whereas it is a matter of pride that we are excelling in our national sport, that too with limited support and resources.

There’s just one small article in the left side of the page and rest of the page was filled with CRICKET SH!T…

Why is it only about cricket all the time? And if Indian cricket team is performing badly these days, they are not to blame. We hype even the tiniest wins and reward cricketers with hell lot of monies. We form over the top expectations and media simply fuels them!:(

Be it Olympics or any other international games, I don’t know if there are enough players representing our country. Given the limited importance India gives to sports other than cricket, it takes a very strong will and confidence for a non-cricket enthusiast to even aspire about reaching heights in their respective game. And cricket is not even a part of Olympics, so whom do we have to represent India internationally? It is truly sad that we are not even extending moral support to Indian hockey players or others who reached a commendable stage of their career and are now gearing to show their talent to the world.

Cricket is NOT the only sport we have, but Cricket is THE sport we’re excessively concentrating on, unfortunately! It is time that we think beyond cricket. Beyond Sachin’s retirement and Dhoni’s leadership. I agree that Cricket is a sport the Nation is probably obsessed with, but we MUST allow other sports to share the limelight, not just a mention in the news.

Phir dil do hockey ko, Abe dhakkan cricket ke sadme se toh bahar ane de!