The New is You!

No one wants to die, even people who want to go to Heaven don’t want to die to get there, and yet, death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It’s life’s change agent; it clears out the old to make way for the new. right now, the new is you. Right now, the new is you. But someday, not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it’s quite true. Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important have the courage to follow your own heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary!

The Reason i don’t want a girl in my life right now!

There are two reasons:

1. They Annoy me. 

2. They don’t understand Sarcasm. 

If i had a girlfriend right now, my phone inbox would be filled with crappy no meaning conversations like this:

My girlfriend: Hi!
Me: Hey!

My girlfriend: I see a bit of sarcasm in your tone.
Me: Sarcasm? Why would I be sarcastic?

My girlfriend: How would I know? Ask yourself.
Me: But pray tell me, how can a “Hey” be sarcastic?

My girlfriend: You wouldn`t understand. Forget it.
Me: Aree…if you didn`t want me to think about it, why even mention it? Answer my question – how can a “Hi” be sarcastic?

My girlfriend: I donno. I no longer feel the same warmth in your tone.
Me: Is it because of the cold I have?

My girlfriend: See, you are being sarcastic again.
Me: Yes, this time….I agree.

My girlfriend: If you can agree now…why didn`t you agree earlier?
Me: I am not being sarcastic baby. Tell me what makes you think something is wrong.

As i said, they dont understand Sarcasm! 😦

My girlfriend: I don`t know. My heart says so.
Me: Your heart? I didn`t know hearts could speak!

My girlfriend: See…you are being sarcastic again!
Me: Yes, this time also….I agree.

My girlfriend: I feel things aren`t the same with us anymore.
Me: What makes you feel so?

My girlfriend: Your tone.
Me: Do you think gargling would help? It is this darn cold.

My girlfriend: I can see the sarcasm flowing again.
Me: Yes, this time also….I agree.

My girlfriend: You never used to raise your voice with me.
Me: But baby, we have known each other for two years now. Even married couples start fighting in two years!

My girlfriend: Don`t. Don`t raise your voice.
Me: No I didn`t! I didn`t raise my voice at all!

My girlfriend: Now you are. Why are you shouting?
Me: If you get unreasonable, what do I do?

My girlfriend: See….I told you…you aren`t the same anymore.
Me: Ohh God. What makes you think so?

My girlfriend: Don`t raise your voice, I said.
Me: No sweetheart. I am not raising my voice.

My girlfriend: You don`t have to say that so loudly. I am NOT deaf.
Me: I know you are not deaf of ears….

My girlfriend: See…sarcasm again.
Me: Ohh my God. Tell me what I have to do to make you happy!

My girlfriend: Just be yourself.
Me: Baby, I am being myself.

My girlfriend: No, this isn`t the man I loved.
Me: I am just myself. How can a man who lives for 100 years change drastically in 2 years?

My girlfriend: You never used to argue with me earlier.
Me: I am not arguing!

My girlfriend: Don`t shout!
Me: I am not shouting!

My girlfriend: I think you want to dump me.
Me: No I don`t. Why would I? This started as a casual conversation and here we are talking of dumping?

My girlfriend: Yes. That`s what you want to do…and I can feel that.
Me: What makes you feel that?

My girlfriend: I donno….I just know.
Me: How can you know ….when you donno…

My girlfriend: I donno…
Me: Ok fine. So what should we do? You suggest.

My girlfriend: Take a one-week break, maybe?
Me: I am fine with the idea, if that`s what you want.

My girlfriend: I don`t want that. I am just doing it for you.
Me: What??!!

My girlfriend: Yes. Let us take a break, if that`s what you want.
Me: Ok fine.

My girlfriend: Now you being sarcastic…
Me: How can “Ok fine” be sarcastic?

My girlfriend: I donno…
Me: I donno too sweetheart. But bye.

My girlfriend: Bye.
Me: Yes, take care. Call me if you feel like calling me.

My girlfriend: See…you are being sarcastic about my feelings now.
Me: Yes, I was.

And now i am praying to god to please let my phone battery be dead when the next message comes! Women are complex, much more than the algebra.

Original Idea form ouchmytoe.com

The Lovey Dovey Effect Returns!

People who are just 17 years old cant deny that their love is just short term and it’s not going to workout between those two 17 years toddler couple because people change and so do their priorities. But, when you get hit by that love arrow hit by the cupid of  love, no matter how big stud you are or you’re just a silent guy like me,  when  you fall in love, you start doing weird things. First of all, its not easy to fall in love, you need to have feeling for that special someone.it’s like being electrocuted or getting exposed to Love Rays. when you’re in a relationship, Shit Happens! You start sharing your feeling, your deepest darkest secrets and desires to that special someone. And then comes the time of  The Lovey Dovey Conversations. let me show you some of the Lovey Dovey Conversations between a couple who are in a relationship. Now, keep in mind i will reveal some true hidden meanings behind the conversations.

Boy: hey, I was sleeping, sorry i  couldn’t take your calls.

(I was Watching Cricket match and also wanted to witness Sachin make a century but, thanks for disturbing?)

Girl: It’s Ok! i know you had a reason for not picking up my phone earlier.

(I Actually called to breakup because you’re not answering any of my calls, Bhaago Bhaiya.)

Girl: Will you be there with me always?

(Or should i start looking for someone else?)

Boy: Yes, of course i will be! always.

(Even Though your mom’s hotter than you.)

Girl: How do i look?

(I always look beautiful in this, Duh!)

Boy: Terrific. Wow! an Angel on Earth.

(Your mom’s still hotter than you.)

Girl: what do you think of Rima? She’s a pain in the ass, she made me cry. 😦

(I Hate her, you should hate her too. )

Boy: She’s a Bitch. How can she make an angel like you cry?

(Oh God! thanks for making rima!!!)

Girl: I think i’m a burden on you.

(Say Yes and leave, I like Vishal.)

Boy: I think you deserve better.

(Oh! thanks god, Rima here i come.)

Anyways, this was just fun, i respect the lovers and their feelings, if you didn’t like it, Sue me!

Until Next time, Cheers. 🙂

meri life

Stupid standing breathing life

Stooping stopping saving life

Ruki saansein but chalti life

Dil toota, par phir bhi life

Peechhe mudke jee li life

Aage bhaage girti life

Lakeeron mein likhi life

Oongliyon se phisalti life

Bina scene kiye yeh life

Tamasha har pal kari life

Kabhi centrestage pe darrti life

Audience mein seetiyaan maarti life

Kicking biting kissing life

Hugs se love-hate karti life

Mitti se dhuli hui life

Mitne pe mitne-wali life

Soche-samjhe subah shuru woh

Shaam ko crying-weeping life

Gusse se phatti-tooti life

Kheench-taan par chhoti life

Aur ek minute ke liye

Soti hui dreamy life

Jhoothe high ki wannabe life’

Chhupke smiling, blushing life

Ek baar ussne dekh kya liya

Day-dreaming pe chal di life

Heartbreaking si sasti life

Roz Goa ghoomti life

Anti-alcohol mentality life

Tharki friends ke tharki jokes ko

Tweets mein copy karti life

Rona-dhona bhari life

DP change karti life

21-jaise sochti life

14-jaise giggling life

Earphones dil se connected life

Mumbai ke traffic jam mein

Romantic imagination ki life

Pillow-talk mein beeti life

Football se haari-piti life

Superstar ke geek secretary pe

Jaan-lutaati secret life

Dost-dosti-waali life

Lyrics pe chalne waali life

Har scene ka brain-lab mein

Photo frame karti life

Dhunn mein besuri-si life

Komolika-type vamp si life

Lift-music ko gungunaati

Mysteriously smiling life

Madness, maybe, music ke naam pe

Kal aaj hi mein jeeti life.

-KARISHMA JANI

Love is Blind, Marriage is an Eye-Opener

SARCASM: Nobody ever does it better than me!

Dr. Anmol Jani PHD. In Sarcanomics

The best Revenge plan for your Ex-GF is to get married. Conditions May Apply.

The Evolution

Hello, my dear lovebirds, if you are reading this post while holding hands with your wife or soon-to-be wife.Then, let me warn you after reading this post your life is gonna turn upside down. if you still want to read then, Suit yourself.

Nicely dedicated to all the lovebirds who are patient of the LOVEY DOVEY EFFECT . i know the day you turn 25 your parents start searching for your life partner and in some case men introduce their girlfriends to their parents and some tell their parents that they are gay and it turns out to be your mum dads worst nightmare. We all know how the parents pressure you saying, “I dont have so much time left, i want to see my grand kids before i go”. So you get married before you even get a single white hair or before you go bald. And once you go into the marriage season you will never come out of it.

Marriage is like being BLACK, because once you `go black you never go back.

And then once you get married, the real fun ride starts and everything you do after marriage ends up on a video site or on Facebook. let’s get started:

1. PHOTOS: I totally get it, you are getting married, you need to live and cherish this moment forever you wanna take photos and videos as memories. so you click all the pictures of the Engagement, Mehendi, the Pre-Wedding and all the dances then the wedding, the dinner, the post wedding party and last but not the least the reception.you take all the pics and share it with your friends on facebook. make an album and name it “Bandhan Saat janmo ka!” the thing is i am frustrated and irritated with all the nonsensical drama bullshit. that’s why i dont attend weddings anymore. So, unless your cousin is sexy and hot as hell, please dont upload the pics.

2. The I-get-your-last-name theory: Now, this is some interesting stuff. let me explain, you get married. OK, then why the girl changes her own name. let’s take a famous example, Aishwarya Rai  gets married to Abhishek Bachchan and then she changes her own name from Ashwarya Rai to Ashwarya Rai Bachchan. WHY? that’s not all, married couple sometimes does the mistake to operate from one facebook account. How in the hell can you have a common social networking account? it’s a social networking site man, c’mon! it’s made for an individual. And what happens if that couple decide to  get a divorce, who keeps the facebook account? Huh? and then what happens the court agrees to the divorce. the lawyers fight over who should get that Facebook account. that will be an amazing courtroom scene. i wouldn’t miss to see that.

3. Our kids are actually cute: This is not your fault actually. This is hardwired I guess. A new born baby has got to be beautiful, cute, sweet and all that, Right? Look at him, isn’t he cute?, isn’t he?- Absolutely (To fellow Pissed off people: The best way to diplomatically handle this situation is to say, “He/She looks just like you, No seriously, just like you”, now whatever that means). Is this not enough that we say all these nice stuff when he/she is born that you go ahead and make your kid participate in who’s the cutest contest?, WTF? I bet in future your kid will make you participate in who is more retarded, my mom or my dad contest?

4. Who’s the best: Who the hell are you, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? Why do you keep participating in all these contests? If you think you are the perfect couple, good for you. Why do you need that constant affirmation from your friends on that? Bring this to an end alright. I ask this nicely because couples like to hear and believe that they look perfect together, may be you do or may be you are just stupid. Who am I to say? I’ll pray to whomsoever required, will bribe if need be, to make you guys win if that ensures a once and for all end to this.

5. How about a PDA: I swear on my newly brought computer hard disk that if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s PDA! More so, if you are already married. I get it when I see a 3rd year engineering guy cozing up with a 2nd year DU chick at central park. I do. These guys are short of space. But you? You guys are married for hell’s sake. Show some decency. That’s all I ask.

Till then have a happy married life.

To,

Future Mrs. Jani,

Please don’t be mad at me after reading this post. I promise, I’ll let you upload all these stupid pics and stuff wherever and whenever you like. If you dont want to change your last name then, what will not happen, no questions asked. We’ll name our babies (I say babies, my only wish) as derivatives of your name, so they’ll automatically be cute and all that. We’ll participate in all these contests too and will send requests to the complete friends list to like our entry. And last, we’ll make love in that central park if that’s what you want. I love you Mrs. Jani, in advance.

The CrackBerry Syndrome!

Crack the berry!

A slang term used to describe an over reliance on and almost obsessive need to use one’s Blackberry. Blackberry addiction has become a prevalent condition for many professional and non-professional users of the Blackberry device. Some common symptoms of Blackberry addiction include constant checking of emails and texts, answering phone calls at inappropriate times and the need to always have the smartphone device within reach.

Due to the addictive nature of the device, the device is often referred to in popular culture as the “crackberry”.

Since the introduction of Blackberry into the markets, people are getting addicted to it, many users have playfully described themselves as Blackberry addicts. Many CEOs and high-ranking business professionals have admitted to being over-reliant on their smartphone and many “detox” articles and news stories have been published. Many businesses have gone so far as to ban Blackberries from meetings and company events.

The small device creates in effect in many of its users a true addiction. Risk groups: professionals and managers,imagine what happens when they get an error massage such as blackberry error 523.

“A dependency to BlackBerry appears like every other addiction,” says the psychologist. Just like hard drug junkie that injects to prevent missing the user’s BlackBerry develop the necessity to check to ensure it to not miss anything. And like other addictions, addiction BlackBerry takes the type of a compulsion. “We are able to also think that the BlackBerry addicts produce other problems, for example workaholism (the condition of workaholics).” The workaholism focuses on work and productivity, and also the device responds perfectly for this need. Not being able to consult could cause anxiety or guilt, or perhaps a “strong craving”. Exactly how should we fight? “We control the utilization or terminates it”,like several addictions, the BlackBerry will probably affect anyone.

‘BlackBerry’ addiction: There are countless media reports of males in management and other professional occupations who are allegedly addicted to their Blackberry (or ‘Crackberry’ as the media often likes to term it). Symptoms include such things as (i) hearing a “phantom rings” and/or experiencing phantom vibrations, (ii) constantly checking e-mails and/or texts. Apparently, the content of emails and texts makes the person feel important and (like ‘tanorexia’) helps raise a person’s self esteem. Although I have often written and researched into ‘technological addictions’ I have yet to come across a case of genuine case of Blackberry addiction myself. If such an addiction does exist, there are also issues around whether the Blackberry is just a means to fuel particular addictive behavior (e.g., texting) or whether people are addicted to the Blackberry itself.

Man in bed with wife, slides his hand slowly across her back & shoulders, down towards her legs, moves back towards top & stops.Wife gasps: “Why did u stop?”Man: “Found my Blackberry, u can go to sleep now 😛

Symptoms:

1. You think the iPhone would be much better if it only had a physical keyboard.
2. You sign-up on Facebook or Twitter just to try the Blackberry apps.
3. You learn to drive with your knees!
4. You start worrying if your Blackberry red light doesn’t flash for more than 10 minutes and check if something is wrong.
5. You BBM your friend in class even though he is sitting right next to you.
6. You’ve completely forgotten that a blackberry is a fruit!
7. You wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and end-up checking your blackberry.
8. You bumped into someone at least once ’cause you were Blackberry walking & you sometimes cross the street while texting!
9. You’re probably reading this from your Blackberry.

And most important of all, you never go to the bathroom without your Blackberry

I thought that the only pain you get from a Blackberry device is the “Blackberry Thumb” because of -you know- too much typing… etc. but it also causes some severe Neck Aches. Even though researchers still say there’s no evidence to conclude that smartphones are injurious to health, it is commonly known that most of us do not hold their Blackberry devices to their eye-level while texting, browsing or playing games which is the main reason why we suffer from neck aches & look like Hunchback of Notre Dame!

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I’m the winged cupid, stupid!

The unluckiest number in everybody’s life is 13. But, for me its 14. You see what falls after 4 days is what people call “The Valentines Day” or “The day of love, where couples come together exchange lovey dovey smiles and give each other flying kisses and the guy gives her a box of chocolates and then she looks at the price tag and says, ” The price of my love is just 750 rupees of Ferrero Rocher.” And then the girls open the box and eats all the chocolates, they don’t even share 😦 Some one will say that i am very unlucky that i don’t have a date at valentines day. But. i will consider myself very lucky, that i don’t have to spend 1000 rupees on my girlfriend and give her stupid chocolate boxes and valentine cards and a bouquet and exchange all the flying kisses. I’m a MAN, i don’t prefer to do that. so, i made up a list of what i’ll do at valentines day without a date. So, here it Goes:

No Date… No Problem!

I Ain't got a date

1. If you are a home person just like me, then help your mom in household chores. Or here’s an interesting thing. Plant an idea on your parents mind to just let everything go at 14th. Let them have fun and see the sparks fly. Arrange a date for them, make the arrangements. book a fine table for two at one of the best restaurants in your city. trust me, you’ll feel good inside that you made your parents life interesting again. Ooh! i’m getting a little bit senti .

2. If you’re a computer enthusiast like me then date online with other lady geeks. login to sites like cloudgirlfriend or zoosk and start dating someone online. Don’t worry, eventually you’re gonna end up having fun or being aroused by a man.

3. Find an amusement park in your city. go there have fun, eat, drink, go on a roller coaster ride and then puke on little kids. trust me, it’s better than spending 1000 rupees for your girlfriend buying Chocolates and cards and jeans of her size which you cant find in the entire state. 😉

4. Go for a Road trip. fill some petrol/diesel in your vehicle and go as fast as you can. You get the excitement, the thrill and you’ll enjoy each and every moment of it. trust me, you’ll never for get that moment of your life. Or, If you cant go on a road trip then sit your ass down on the sofa and watch Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara ( The Indian version of road trip filled with love and romace 😦 )

Last but not the least……………

5. Attempt Suicide. (Because you have failed…. Failed to get a date on 14th February Valentines day!)

I’m planning to do at least one of the things on 14th. what are you gonna do?
Anmol Jani – I bring the “F” into Funny! Or at least i think so.

Happy Valentines day (in Advance) Fuc***s.

Like, comment and share this post with your friends if you don’t have a date on Valentines and if you do have then, get a picture of you and your date together and tell me how’d you had your valentines day together and mail it to me on janianmol@hotmail.com.

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The Secret in Loving Yourself

Soul awareness is easy to get into and just as easy to fall out of.We fall out of Soul awareness so easily because the world wants us to go that way.The material world has a billion distractions,so you need to watch where you place your focus and be careful what you create.If you want Soul, find joy in yourselfand in everything around you.

This WONDERFUL thing that you call LIFE is not about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.

I, Me & Myself.

By getting to know yourself, you get to start loving yourself. Don’t just love the good part of you, start expressing your love towards your good, bad, light and dark. feel all the sides of your life, once you feel it, you start in believing it. And by believing in it you’ll start to like it and end up falling in love with it.

This is an interesting thing which happens in everyone’s life. When you don’t like a part in your life, you always try to fight it and eventually you will give up. Then you start to disown that part through many processes like denial, self judgement, you feel like being a victim of the situation and then you start to disconnect yourself from that part of your life spiritually and emotionally.

through the negative vibrations around and inside you, you start feeling weak emotions and that is when you attack your life and weaken its growth.

The Soul, which is motionless in its purity,cannot be reached by the mind,which is usually moving.The mind is going too fastto enter the frequency of Spirit.

The negative vibrations make you reject the true-self and makes you a wannabe and that wannabe lives in anger, worry and fear. We must Embrace all the good and the bad, all the hate and suffering, just embrace it. Don’t worry though, the true-self in you can never get the hate running in your veins. The true-self  is a bliss, a true soul, a sign and a part of god. By being true to yourself, you can get authentic power and that power is to love yourself. By being someone whom you are not faithful to, then it can lead to problems your true-self, Emotionally and Mentally.

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream,not only plan, but also believe.
                   – Anatole France

The physical world is full of errors and frustrations and mistakes. They are all opportunities to refine your level of awareness so you can get closer to who you are. Who you are is so subtle that many of you have been in your Soul and out the other side without realizing it. The Soul is a small, integral unit of energy, yet the cosmos and all the universes are contained within it. The Soul is the prototype for all existence. It goes beyond the intellect.

True to ourselves, we lead a healthier life physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Like, comment and share this post with your friends if you’re true to yourself and love yourself.

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The culture we live in!

What if we looked at the whole life time experience as an act, like you’re acting in a big film and you’re main guy. You don’t fight a villain here. Just do your act and have fun with it. Instead of getting bored and judging your boredom, have fun with it. Celebrate your life the way it is.

In Hollywood and TV industry they give Awards to people as a compliment for doing a good role in movie or show. Now think about it, what if you get award for living your life the way you want it. I’m a quite shy fellow, so I don’t open up so good with people. I like staying aloof and observing people. Observing their characters and their roles in their life and watching emotions come and go. So, I’m a good observer, I get a good observer award. So, you’re in the awards function and after some guy/gal announces my name and I stand up feeling proud about myself (Actually feeling Shy/Shi**y). I walk on the stage and accept the award and I go to the microphone and start to curse(Thanking) everyone and after giving the speech the music starts playing and I burst into tears and I start saying, “This one’s for you.

That’s the Sh*t right there. So, it’s not just me, we all live in a shitty culture that worships the celebs and actress and all the wannabes. The inner me (Self) doesn’t want any kinda fame or recognition and wealth. But the wannabe in me wants it, and he is very desperate to get it and a wannabe is a person who wants attention, and he screams and shouts and trolls till he gets it.

Living life is like looking in a mirror. What is reflected back to us, by way of other people, is the state of our being, our consciousness. If we are angry, we may think that person over there is pretty angry. If we’re full of doubt, then we may think that the other person is full of doubt. The big secret is that beyond the mirror is the land of Soul.

 

Alexander the great is going to see the famous Greek philosopher Diogenes. Diogenes asks Alexander,

“What are you doing?”

Alexander replies, “I’m going to conquer Greece.”

Diogenes asks, “And what are you going to do after that?”

Alexander tells him, “I’m going to conquer Asia Minor.”

“And then what are you going to do?” Diogenes asks.

“Then I’m going to conquer the world,” Alexander replies.

Again, Diogenes asks, “And after that what are you going to do?” “Then,” says Alexander, very pleased with himself, “I’m going to relax and enjoy my life.”

 

Diogenes looks at Alexander for a long time and then finally says, “You know, I can save you a lot of trouble. Why don’t you relax and enjoy it now?”

Like, comment and share this post with your friends if you’re true to yourself.

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Line of the year,”Facebook Me”.

Facebook. This word means a lot. According to Wikipedia Facebook was launched in February of 2004 and it was created for the betterment of people. It can help you to stay closer with your friends and family and even with your colleagues when you’re actually miles away from them enjoying your holiday in Hawaii.

Facebook started out as a Fire causing many people to love it and also hate it. Let’s just take a 7 year leap like it happens in Ekta kapoor’s TV show. It’s 2011 and Where is Facebook? it’s here between us and its a biggest part of our life, i mean an average teenager’s life. Kids are crazy and going gaga all over facebook.

I remember one incident which i wud love to share with my readers, My neighbor’s 15 year son is on Facebook and its all because of me because i made him an account and after that his dad came to me and said, “Anmol mera bhi ek account bana de Facebook par?”. eventually i agreed, had no choice! I made his dad an account and they both send me friend requests which i ended up accepting. right now my neighbor’s son has more friends on his facebook account than me and he is creating one moe account on facebook. And do you wanna know what the reason is for creating two accounts on facebook. “Are yaar ek account me bahut saare friends aa gaye yaar, i need a change now. ;)”

It happens only in Facebook. A Girl gets 60-70 likes on profile pic and gets comments like, “Wow, looking real beauty, kahaan se kharidaa?”

A guy post is pic saying “my new hair cut cool na?” and all his friends go crazy over his new haircut and everyone is like”mast dikh raha hai, cool dude you!, koi ladki impress ho jayegi” utter bullshit. girls dont get impressed with hairstyles.

“I lost my heel vaale sandels! :(” Who cares you have the time to post it on facebook but you dont have the time to search for it. and no one will like this status! the guys will ask “How, kaise hua yeh?” and the girls will be commenting shit like ” jaa ke Hiranandani complex se naye leke aa, XYZ mall me achha sale laga hai, chal mai bhi aati hoon lene.”

I still have more to post, so keep reading ,facebooking, tweeting and also join me on Facebook: Anmol Jani and also on twitter: Anmol Jani

Thanks for reading. My #Life